Monday, September 28, 2015

His battle, is our battle. Forever supporting my Dad.


This small church has held my family for many years. We've gathered together for holidays, Sunday worships, weddings and youth gatherings. I've sat on the pews, and prayed at the altar. I've cried and also sat in peace while listening to sermons that spoke to the core of my heart. 

It never fails that when I go "home" I feel at peace. My heart feels content, and I'm just truly happy to see old loved ones that I rarely see in the season of life that I am in. Yet, this very new season of life kept my heart from feeling content while I visited yesterday. My heart ached, my tears ran over board as I held my Mothers hand. All while my heart just literally wanted to fall to floor while screaming. 

This wasn't the first time I had heard these painful words that my Dad gave in a testimony to his church. Although, they still felt the same. The tears still felt new, and the hurt in my heart had never left. 

On Thursday, my parents called my sister and our spouses over to give information they had received from the oncologist. My heart was unsettled because of the thoughts or "what ifs" that were plowing through my mind. I never once dreamed we would hear the words that came from my very humble, tough to the core Dad's mouth.

So I listened as he told us the news, and explained the unknown. 
His last chemotherapy treatment was thirty days ago, where his doctor advised him he "is as cancer free as anyone. But now his cancer had spread across his liver to both lungs. His oncologist advised him that at this point, if he were to do no treatments he would have a time frame of nine months to a year. 

That's just baffling news to me. How can a man that looks this amazing, has this type of positive attitude and seems to feel as well as he does be on that kind of time frame? It makes me angry, sad and just plain heartbroken. So I just sat starring in awe, trying to figure out how this is even possible. At this point, I'm pretty certain that look has yet to leave my face. 



His oncologist told him that the only option at this point is visit the Sara Cannon Cancer Center in Nashville. They will have the ability to give clinical treatments that are working for so many others. Even though this option isn't one that I ever imagined would even be a possibility, I am thankful for a hopeful place.

As I sit, over think and type my feelings out into this mediocre blog it just seems so unreal. I've woke in the mornings crying, had nightmares and just sat looking into the sky wondering how, why and just trying to understand.

I know that the "bad C word" is full of heartbreaks and even glories. So, I just continue to pray for the glorious day that this is no longer a monster standing in front of such an amazing man. But it has yet to take away the pain that I know my dear Mom is facing, or the days that shall come as I'm holding my daughter explaining words that I never want to even imagine. My sisters heart is so big, and holds emotions so well, but it breaks me to even know that she too is feeling this heartache. A Mother should never have to hear her son, give news as this. The cries that came from her heart, were some that I never want to hear again. The hugs between two grown men that have been best friends since they were children, would have killed anyone's heart that was standing near. Sisters that look up to their only brother for guidance and friend, I just pray that they stay as wise and prayerful as he always is. 

My Mom has been a strong, courageous, loving wife through the past year. As I know they were both looking forward to relaxing after surgery, and being done with the "bad C word" I also know she will continue to be just as amazing as she has been. Once again, it doesn't take away the pain that I cannot even imagine that she is facing. My heart just wants to make this disappear, take 12 years off of my life and still be a child running into the living room tackling him across the livingroom couch. I never wish this grief on anyone, yet this is just the beginning.

I've tried for days to even fathom the possible thoughts that I am just MAD at God. I mean how could my glorious Savior let this happen to my precious Dad. I want to be mad. I want to scream in a prayer and just ask why! But I can't. I sat outside with my children last night looking into the eclipse thinking just be mad at God. He has made something so marvelous like this eclipse and radiant moon, but my Dad is being given a time frame. But I couldn't. Something pulled my heart, and reminded me that with things as marvelous as what I was viewing, just think how prestigious Heaven will be. Some doctors may give time frames, but there is only one who knows when we will be called to the pearl gates of Heaven. 

Does this make my heart feel less broken? 

No. I just cannot physically wrap my mind around the unknown, and the thoughts of how sick he is. As a Mother, I cannot even type the words of how sad it made me to hear him speak of how he longs to see his grandchildren grow into adults. He has literally been an important figure to his Granddaughther since the moment Charli Beth entered in this world, as he sat by my side after rushing in to be there for me. I literally feel like someone is ripping me apart when I think about the grief, that my children will have. 

In saying that, Charli Beth does not know. This is out of respect for my Dad as his request and for her too. She knows that he is sick, but time frames are something that you never want to give children. Even hearing "the bad C word" hurts little innocent hearts. I never want to take her time with Pa and make it into a clock. So I ask that you be easy with words, and cautious as what you say in front of little ears. 

The friends that I have spoke to have asked what they can do for our family. At this time, just please pray. Pray for my Dad as he prepares to fight a new battle and my Mother as she fights alongside as a spouse. My heart may be exteremly sad, but to see my parents love for one another will forever be a blessing.


May I be strong as a daughter where I am continually feeling weak. May I never loose faith and always remember that there is a Savior prepared to hold our hands through long journies of sorrow.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

May All Pigs Be Just As Loved.

It's honestly the last thing that a parent ever wants to do. We all dream of flying through parenthood all cool and dreamy, with never seeing our children cry over sadness. Sadness can be extended to so many different levels. It can be in the form of discipline, death or just plain tragedy. 

In nine years as a parent, I have now watched my child cry with heartache twice. The first time was when telling her that Pa was facing the, "Bad C word." I will never in my life forget those tears, that conversation, or even the amount of tissues she blew through the night while I held her my arms. Then, this past week happened and she was faced with a new sadness. 

This may seem silly to some, but to others you will fully understand. Charli Beth is a full blown animal loving little girl. So loosing her pet guinea pig, Gus was gut wrenching. 


I came home from work as I headed to Tenenesse for my Dad's surgery and found him. We're sadly not sure what happened. After  attempts of stimulating him, I found it was best to head to vet where he passed. It was extremely sad, and I'm not sure my dear Motherly heart will ever recover from finding my daughters little fur babe in that state. 

My crazy tears and hysterical cries on the phone with the veterinary office while I tried to explain what was happening, all while I was suppose to be heading down to Vanderbilt for my Dad. I'm more than certain that they believe I am a nut case. 



We waited until I arrived home late that night to tell the children together. Charli was already curious as to why he wasn't in his cage, so when I explained his passing her heart broke. I cannot even imagine the heartache some children go through, because I promise that her strong Dad who also "never liked the creepy little thing" had a hard time with it. 



After a night of sleeping in a twin size bed with both kids, holding heads and wiping tears we've moved on. We're grateful for our time with sweet Gus, and so thankful for the many memories he gave to our family. From the many clean ups, tricks that Charli taught him, to the costumes she would make from scratch we will never forget the chunky little oinker.

May all guinea pigs be as well loved as Mr. Gus was. 



Sunday, September 13, 2015

28, is just a number right?

My birthday falls on September 11. I know, I know. Take a moment and gasp, or awe if you wish. I hear it every time I tell someone the tragic date, is also the date that I celebrate my birthday. Each year, I reminisce back to the choir class that I was in chatting with friends, as we heard the news and turned on the television. Even though we are practically across the country, our hearts, mindsets, and worlds changed that day. Sadly still, it is my day of celebration on being on Earth with my family.

So each year, while in remembrance of each person we do so while blowing out birthday candles. It isn't only my birthday but my precious (now four years old) nephews birthday too. He somewhat, stole my center of attention, and decided to arrive 7 weeks early on this fabulous date as well. 



But, what more fun can I have than picking on him while telling him it was totally my birthday FIRST


My parents were gracious enough to celebrate with the children, my sisters family, and myself for our birthdays. The one thing about me that is probably worldly known, is that I am a foodie. So much so, that growing up my nickname was, and maybe still is Pig.

Yes, that's a tiny bit embarrassing as I grow older and even more so that I am married to a police officer. But I cannot lie, and say that it doesn't make me giggle. Anyhow, being the foodie that I am my parents let me pick what restaurant that I wanted to celebrate at for the night.

Of course, I picked a family style sit down meal that was a spread of country ham, pork chops, friend chicken and vegetables to match. Take about delicious.

I may have loved on the country ham, a little too much.



My silly Dad has jokes.



For dessert, I enjoyed Maple Pecan Banana Cake.



Can I get an amen?


Literally, if you are ever looking for a Bed and Breakfast to visit, with a sweet little town in tote, I highly suggest Federal Grove in Auburn, Kentucky. 


To me, 28 is just a number. I quit keeping up with the years sometime after the little princess in my life was born and I jumped ages by fifteen plus years. I may be getting closer to thirty, but I'm one more day close to another amazing memory with my sweet family.





Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Movin' On up ... To Sergeant!

I am thankfully blessed to be a wife to a very hardworking Husband and Father. His dedication to any activity that he is in shows just how much he puts his heart into all that be does. As most of you know, Curtis has been the k9 deputy for our local sheriffs department for the last 6 1/2 years. He's literally put more blood, sweat, tears and thoughts than I would've ever dreamed of doing. Which obviously is the reason why I am the wife of an Law Enforcement officer, rather than being one.

Curtis has always has the ambition to rise within the department, and knew that one day he would challenge himself to do so. So, when the opportunity arrived for him to proceed with an interview, I knew that he would accomplish it easily. 

We spent many nights laying around going over calls, and even drove home from vacation running scenarios by one another to prepare him mentally. This is one of the many times I can thank God for my background in 911 telecommunications. 

But really, I was absolutely zero help. 

The dude has a way with words (obviously, he now has me as a wife ;) ha!) and is the best at giving advice for interviews. 


As you can see, he was promoted to Sergerant and is able to keep his first shift position. {Praise The Lord!} There are many worries in being an LEO family, and one of them is the possible change in shifts. 

I was able to host a quick surprise get together Sunday night for Curtis to celebrate his promotion with family and friends. It was wonderful to be able to see families, that I often do not get to see. I believe he enjoyed the night relaxing before his new adventure started.


Some questions have been asked by many if this means Curtis will no longer be k9. The answer is he now has the title of Sgt. K9 until Gunner retires. Gunner is aging, and the work is strenuous to police dogs, so Curtis will be able to decide when it is time for G msn to retire. I will be honest and say that my heart doesn't do well with change. Anytime this subject is brought up, I begin to cry. The Mom in me just gets a little too emotional over the fur babe. But I do believe that this promotion is the best thing for Curtis, and a way for Gunner to slow down and enjoy life more. 

Please continue to pray for Curtis and all other LEO's. This is such a frightening time that we are living in to see such horrendous acts made upon men and women who sacrifice so much.

 

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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--If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to email me! @ paigeleana@yahoo.com --

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