Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tomorrow I will be staying away from Bryar for the first time. Yes, I am a second time Mommy. But there is five years between my two and my situation is different this time. When I was single living at home with my parents I was working second and third shift every week. It was two thirds and three seconds. It was rough and incredibly not worth it. But it was what I had to do for Charli and I. So we had to spend lots of time away from one another at an early age.
Praise little baby Jesus that my situation is different this time. Although, the fact that I have been able to stay with Bryar every single day for the last 15 1/2 months (besides my time at work) means that I have one little boy who loves me so much that he screams when I walk out of the room. Yes, he is that annoying baby that cries a lot in the nursery. But he isn't the only one that as separation anxiety. His Mommy does too.
It is quite ridiculous. I am used to Charli Beth leaving and staying with grandparents on the weekends. She is a girl on the go. Practically grown up sadly, even at the early age of six. But Bryar needs me. His middle of the night hawk screams are only calmed by this lady right here and I am proud of that. I practically dance in the glory that his love for me is overwhelming at times.
What I am scared of is that on my trip he will no longer "need" me. He will not just want me to rock him and sing rock-a-bye baby, or to rock him to sleep when nothing else works. Everyone is growing up and looking to other things for comfort but him and I want to make his love last long possible. It really is the most controlling and ridiculous thing I have ever thought.
I know that my mil will probably be laughing at me when we walk in the door with all of my notes and schedules (even though we basically do not have a great schedule.) But on the other side of me I am ecstatic about having a weekend with my husband and friends. We need this and maybe so does the baby. I am crossing my fingers and toes that they will have a great weekend, will be able to rest and that my littlest love will still love me when I return.
Now If I can only make myself get into that car tomorrow morning without crying....