Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Time. It's all we want.

The Lord states that joy shall came in the morning, and I've been clinging to that sentence since the horrendous murder of Gabbi Doolin in November. But lately, I wonder how joy can come in such grief. 

On December 22, my Dad was admitted into the hospital for dehydration, low blood pressure and confusion. After a couple nights he began to feel well again thanks to the continuous fluids that he was receiving. While he was admitted it was also time for his PET scan, and they also completeled an MRI due to the confusion that he was having. Little did we know on Christmas Eve, the gift we were all praying for was sadly not answered.

The cancer has continued to spread inspite of the chemotherapy that he had been receiving from Sara Cannon Cancer Center. The cancer grew in numbers on both lungs and liver, with other spots becoming larger. To see the look of disappointment and hurt within your parents eyes, is more gut wrenching  than I can ever describe. Watching the tears fill their loving eyes, will never become easier. 

At this time, they are continually praying (and asking that you do as well) that his insurance is accepted into MD Anderson in Houston, Texas. If not, we just ask that a door opens somewhere for him quickly
Doctors are amazing, and work miracles within their steady hands daily. Although, when I hear of them giving a man that is so positive, eager, and seems to be healthy for the most part only months to live, my hope just wants to fade. 

How can months be? 

It's literally just a sickening sentence and one that makes it hard for me to even breath. 

Most of all because I am selfish and I am NOT done loving him yet. I want to continue making memories, and I want my Mom to keep her greatest love within arms reach until the grow old together.

I need my daughters first heartbreak to be from a boy and not the first man that ever loved her. 

I want my son to be able to play tackle football in the front yard for years to come. 

I dream of several inches of snow falling in Kentucky, just so he can take me out to cut donuts in the high school parking lot. 

Then to dance again, while my laughs are making us look more goofy than we already do. 

I just want more time. 

But that's the tricky part no matter how selfish that I am. No one knows how much time is really left for anyone within this world. Five months, or ten years I just hope that we can give him, and one another he best moments possible. 

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am our purely frustrated, scared, and just broken. The roller coaster of grief is hitting me like a ton of bricks the past few days. I know each of our family members have broken hearts as well because we long to continue to love, and be loved by him. So, I ask that you also pray for all of our hearts because just as much as we are hurting, he is hurting too. 

To hear his words that he isn't scared to leave this world because he knows what is ahead, is the most peaceful calming to this storm. But when the next words follow that he just hates to leave his family, because he prayed for so long for God to put us together breaks me once again. I whole heartedly agree with him, that there must be good in this somewhere, for God wouldn't have brought our family together only for heartache years after. 

I can tell you one thing from the bottom of my heart that I know is the good to come out of this family, and that's the placement he made in our lives. Without him our family wouldn't know a Fathers love, hardworking men, or even God's love. He is simply the best thing that could've happened to my sister, mother and I. For this, I am eternally grateful. 

May we each be able to take 2016 for all its worth. To see each day as new, rather than as a time clock. For the prayers to be answered, and for each of us to find the good within the world. To all of the memories that we have made with a Dad who can never be replaced, and for all of the ones that will be made in the days to come. 


Sarah said...

Sweet Paige. My heart is broken for you reading this. Sometimes life seems so very unfair. I will be praying for your precious family. I pray that your sweet daddy can overcome this and that you will get the time you want. Love and prayers!

Erin said...

Wow. I'm in tears. Many many prayers.

Sara Moon said...

Lifting you all up! Praying!

Katie Broughton said...

This post just breaks my heart as my 8 year old daughter was diagnosed with medulloblastoma ( brain tumor) back in September. Things are going OK and we will do chemo mid January at St. Jude's. She has already had surgery and done radiation. I will be praying hard for your Dad and family! I've never met you but I have read your blog and admire your strength and faith! God Bless!

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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