You are NOT the mistakes you have made.

As a teen, I was stubborn and angry. I hated a lot more than I enjoyed life. I was hateful and snide. I was bitter at what had happened already and assumed that more heartache was in store. Even though I let these years waste by with an angry heart my biggest mistake of all was assuming my own destiny. 

No matter the mistakes or even the good deeds I pulled off. I just knew that my life was destined to be, "bad." I assumed that people hated me, so I made them. I assumed that people thought I was rude and cruel, so I was. 

Tonight, I am telling the story of my past. A past that I pray that my daughter never faces. One that I wish I could have years to remake, or even a day to show someone a nice gesture. Obviously since that is impossible, I pray that this helps someone else understand how we create our destiny and that each day is our own masterpiece for the taking. 

When I started high school I was shy, and didn't know more than a handful of people. I had moved to a new county at the very end of middle school. I wanted a fresh start and it was all in my hands of how it would go. Until, halfway through freshman yeaa group of girls started picking me as their new target to bully. Although I was shy, I had never been one to let others pick me apart, and I wasn't about to start. 

This is what started my path of destruction from that point on. 

I was angry that I couldn't handle the situation. I was even more ashamed that I had somehow gotten myself into a predicament that I was fairly unsure of how to get out of. So I just stayed in this downward spiral of bad attitude and huge mistakes. 

But I am here to tell you, that...

You are one of a kind. You have the ability to overcome any mistakes you have made. 

You are beautiful. You are not your past. 

You are intelligent. What they say may hurt for now, but years down the road you will forget it all. 

You are wise. Choose your words kindly, because what you say to someone will stick out in your memories more than anything else, purely by the way that you made someone else feel.

 You have it what it takes. Everyday is a new beginning, and you are the one who decides how each day will go. 

You are loved. It may be hard to see it at this very moment. But I urge you to look around and I guarantee that your parents,  grandparents, pastors and even teachers who are ready to show you love just by listening. Use them to vent to, cry on or even just to spend an afternoon with. I promise that it will make your day, all while making good solid memories that you will want to look back on. 

You are remarkable. Step away from this blog, and go look in the mirror. Do you see that girl starring back at you? She is going to accomplish the world. It may not be in the way that you once planned. But it's going to be an amazing journey. 

You are worth it. Sweet girl, please never think that you are not worth someone's time or their love. You will find it. Don't worry about the boy in your past, or the one who just made you mad. Far better things are coming... I promise. 

You are not the mistakes you have made.  Oh, how I wish someone would have spoken these words to me. You can start over in this very moment. These moments of wrong decisions do not define the woman that you are or will become. 

You do not know your destiny, so choose joy. Joy is the way to everlasting happiness. Each new day that comes to you will be a brighter blessing just by choosing joy. Don't be the woman, wishing you would have said, "no" to happiness for a relationship that doesn't feel right, or a fight because a mean girl made you mad. Or the girl who has a glare rather than a smile. Be the girl who stands for the good. Today is the day that you can decide to be who YOU want to be. I have faith in you and no matter what you may believe in this moment, I guarantee that someone around you believe in you too.  

I pray for girls like me every night. You may not be this girl although I guarantee that you may know one. So I ask that you reach out to her and let her know how much you love and are thinking of her. She may not listen at this moment but in the days to come it will be a blessing to look back over the, "good." Show love, even when it's hardest to show. 

... May we all choose joy and laugh at the mistakes that have made us into the women that are today. 

A Day of GRAND News!

Our days have been a little hectic with my parents being in the hospital and life still going. Although, I felt as I should do an updated post since my last. The entire day could be described as a mixed bag of emotions. We shared laughs, tears and I listened to more stories than I can remember. 

As the blue pager loudly started beeping and buzzing, I didn't realize the amount of weight that was sitting on my heart. I watched my Mom race to the counter and then pick up the phone. A few seconds later, she turned and smiled. We all loudly cheered and sat patiently waiting for her to come back. She returned stating that, "they were able to remove ALL of the cancer they could see! The doctors were also able to reconnect everything."

We cheered, hugged and cried tears of joy! I couldn't help but to laugh at the thought of how amazing his smile would be as he woke from surgery! 

Even with the doubts of the doctors, he was right and knew in his heart that this was possible. As we sat back down I could tell that my chest felt seventy pounds lighter, and for that I am thankful. 

It was another couple of hours until we were able to see him but the rejoicing continued until then. All 17 of us crammed into one section of the waiting room. 

We were relieved but most of all, just thankful.

When we were able to see him even through his loopy mind set he continued to raise his hands and praise Jesus. He made us giggle with his quirkiness but it was so nice to see him on the road to recovery. 

He is still in grand spirits even through the pain. This is only a step into this journey as he will have six months of chemotherapy. But I can only praise the Lord for already showing his gracious work. Please continue to pray for him as he recovers and for Mom, as she helps him deal with new steps into this temporary lifestyle. 

1/14/15 - "The Bad C Word" Surgery Day

The day has come where my family is sitting together in a waiting room with no available seats, smashed together, just to wait. We never thought our family would face a journey like the one that came to us in August. It's been one hard to explain as a Mother and hard to understand as a daughter.  "The Bad C Word" has made a man turn into a better man. A wife turn into an extraordinary wife and Christians find their way more into the depth of the Lord's love. 

Last night we spent the night of our small family of four in a hotel room for the first time together, since I was expecting Charli Beth. We laughed so hard that we cried. At one point, I even laughed so hard that water came out of my nose. Even though it was an extremely unpleasant moment, it is the everlasting memory that will stand out to categorize as a wonderful night. A night where cancer showed up in some aspects but didn't make us worry. We loved and made our time together, wonderful. 

That is something about my Dad that I can always say that he is. Wonderful. We laugh together and the jokes can carry us into many more days of just lying smiles directly on our faces. 

Thoroughout this journey both of my parents have inspired me to do and be better in my daily life. Their joy in loving one another, and spending precious amounts of time just to love is something that I believe we could all take lessons from. You could find them on a Saturday morning placing Thank You signs on their vehicles for taking the extra work to lessen stress on the other. On a weekday after an oncology appointment they could be found sharing ice cream at new joint, just because they could. They worshipped together and wrotes notes to one another dialy just to inspire; to show love. 

It's amazing things like this that we each take forgranted during our daily walks of life. 

It's difficult to watch someone that you love go through a not so ordinary journey of life. But to find joy, is the best thing you can do for yourself and the one(s) you love. 

During these morning hours I've witnessed a man of faith. One who wouldn't let surgeons or anesthialogy take him into surgery without praying with every one of them while my Mom was present. A man that has a positive outlook either way this goes and knows that his victory lies within The Lord. It's a truly remarkable experience that has set my emotions on a roller coaster of being happy within one moment, and being a sap the next. 

As my Mom came from sending him off to surgery she gave my sister and  each a I note that he had written to us. Although, while my Mom silently read her note I completely drowned myself in tears. I'm not one to cry. I'm especially not a girl to cry infront of a room of individuals that I know, and some I do not know at all. Even just looking at the front of the letter my eyes well with tears. But it's the selfless man like this that we love so much. The one who is facing mountains, but is more concerned for the ones who love him. The man who didn't have to love us, but chose to love us instead and has more of a heart to care about our emotions, rather than his own. That my friends, is the difficult part. Seeing someone so selfless, giving up so much of theirselves to make sure that his "girls" have an okay day of waiting, and not having to worry as much. 

The surgery will last around 6-8 hours, and at this point I am assuming it will be complete around 4 today. So I ask that each of you pray with us. Pray that the mountains of the cancer will be removed, and at the end of the day no matter the out come we still chose joy while worshipping The Lord. 

Love Loud or Love Quiet, Pick One.

Today as I read through the comments of how citizens are calling NYPD officers, "babies" "disrespectful punks and even "bad apples" I couldn't help but to get angry. One Facebook comment even asked "Why are they doing this? This is the job they picked. They risk their lives and they die. Move on."

I cannot say that my mouth dropped. Because let's be for real. It's 2015 and there are a lot of ... (I'll go with) jack legs out there. 

If this is your definition of a police officer, then you have it all wrong friend.

 No one picks a career to die. No one puts on a bullet proof vest, a 20 lb gun belt and kisses their family goodbye to go out to die. These men, women, sons, mothers and husbands go out to fight for you and I . They go out to keep the peace. To keep our streets safe for you and I to sleep soundly at night. So that we can walk from our cars to the grocery store, without being robbed, raped or assaulted in the process.

We do not kiss our husbands, hug our sons to tell them goodbye. We do it to show them that we love them. That we will be waiting for them to come back home to us. We will wait and when they do not return at shift change, we will worry. 

I didn't recieve a phone call on the way to a serious call, to say I love you just so that he could die due to an arrogant soul who thought it was wiser to fight than to go peacefully. Police Officers do not give up. They do not wear the bullet proof vests to end their career being carried by 6 men they call friends, brothers or coworkers. The vests are there for us. To continue to live for the families and citizens he/she may not know; to continue to protect. 

No matter what the public thinks, Police Officers are human. They have minds, hopes, dreams and yes, even hearts. Their hearts speak so many words by their acts of kindness and even grace. Did you realize that officers die each year because they gave someone grace? They give the perpetrator one chance, turn their back and then their goes their future. It's sad and even more disgusting that we refuse to see them as part of the human race. That we believe they are not capable of standing their ground and joining arms to give back their piece of mind. 

Their peaceful silence and slur has triggered a roller coaster of emotions throughout America. To be honest I give them all applause and would pat each one on the back to say, "Job well done." You deserve to give your statement when so many accusations are falling upon you. You deserve to speak your mind. You have earned the badge. They have not. Your peacefulness speaks to hearts while rioters and chaos speaks anger. 

Job well done. 

My hope for 2015 for our country is to find its way back. Back to where the peacekeepers and authorities of our nation are respected, even encouraged. To give them a praise so they never loose their site. We all need praises and now is the time to show these brothers in blue the love they need. So love loud by hosting a positive police rally. Hold a sign that shows that you support the thin blue line, or even shake the hand of some young cadet standing next to you in the Chick-Fil-A line. Or choose to love quiet, bake cookies wth a simple note, buy that officers meal because it may very well put a smile on his face to know that someone cares. Whatever you do just show love. 

"Blessed are the peacekeepers, for they shall be called the sons of God."

My Word of 2015.

This past year has been a year of change, growth and new adventures. I will be the first to admit that a new year brings some what of an anxiety feeling to me because of the unknown. I've always been a control freak, so it's a bit difficult for me to remember who is in control each year that arrives. Thankfully this past year I grew within my faith and even through the trials, I've tried to remain faithful. That to me is the biggest accomplishment of the year. It isn't that I changed jobs, or that I became a better Wife or even Mother it's the fact that I grew spiritually and understood more within my faith.

This year I've decided to pick one word to carry me through. I've never really thought about turning to a word in trials and tribulations until I read this from a blogger friend. Looking back while I was single I always turned to the word believe. To believe that I could carry on. Or to believe in the good of the world. I never really realized that it had become a word for that stage of life until later on. 

This year my word is...

Submit.

Gasp. Even through its 6 letters the word is so strong. To some it's bad, to some it's only through faith. But to me as a woman, it means through everything in life. Of course, I want to first submit to the Lord and second...

To my Husband.

Gasp, again. No he doesn't beat me or tell me when to be home at night. We even do make decisions together for what is best for our family. But I know that I could be a better wife, not only because the bible states that I should but because I want to be better for Curtis himself. 

As long as we have been married I've struggled with depending on someone else. I lived for so many years loving and working for myself or for Charli Beth. It's been a hard role to reverse and a difficult lesson for us both. I can admit that marriage has brought a great deal of, "Holy crap Paige, this is how life suppose to be" moments. It hasn't always been fairy tales and I've not always been one to do marriage fairly. Let's face it. Being single is easier to me because that's all I had known. More importantly I've not been an easy wife to love. But this year I plan to learn from mistakes, to contiue this life with my Husband as his friend and Wife. 

This analogy can really be directed towards my faith as well. For years, I just pushed it to the side. I thought I could care for myself, by myself. Then it took many nights of whys, or what ifs and tears to turn my life into the direction it should have been. I wasn't the woman that the Lord longs for us to be. By not abiding, I was actually turning my back. Something I didn't really ever think was an issue for my life. I mean, I love the Lord. I went to church on Sunday's. I even raised my hand during some hymnals every now and then. But was I living my life in His light? 

No. 

That was difficult for me. But I've learned and I've grown. The most amazing thing about it, is the fact that He's never turned his back to me. He has shown his faithfulness. His grace and will to carry me through the moments when I've failed all. 

Even tonight as I've looked back on my day as I've been grumpy and just completely mean. I know there is a new moment that awaits to give it another try. So for 2015, as we progress towards the date of my Dads surgery or as the weeks pass I will submit my days to the Lord. I will do better for not only myself but for Him. By doing this alone, I can imagine this year to bring happiness.