It's The Great Pumpkin Bryar Wayne!

I'm Bryar's fourth birthday arrived one very short week ago on October 5th. If it isn't obvious enough already, I will scream it a loud that I love celebrating birthdays...and pretty much any occasion that can be celebrated. 

I don't do this exactly for my children. Because..seriously what kind of selfish Mom would I be if I didn't in some way, form or fashion do it because I just love it. My kids will probably never remember their parties, or how many hours I spend painting a photo prop. But my gracious, I will and I will look back and smile, every single time. 

It makes my heart happy to see another year pass by with my children in my arms, happy and healthy. The Lord has leant them out to me to love, care for and teach within his ways, so I love to be joyous {and maybe even a little stressed to the max in moments} for the days that remind us of how blessed we truly are. 

Bryar is a lover of all things, superhero, Halloween and anything "spoookyyyy." While planning for birthday number four, it took all I had to not head full hulk force into super hero party planning mode. But then, big sister graciously reminded me that she, "uhm, don't really remember her sweet shoppe fourth birthday all that much." So, I took it upon myself to think of the perfect Halloween theme. Curious George BOOfest was out of the question, because that's just ...hard.

Then, I remembered how much he loved Charlie Brown's, It's The Great Pumpkin and flew with it.

He was overly ecstatic with the idea and thought Charlie Brown was just hilariously cool. 

My Mother in law was sweet enough to make a cake for the party. It was chocolate with buttercream icing, and three yummy layers! So tasty! 

It may have been an afternoon of painting, and sore arms the next day, but this is by far one of my most favorite projects ever! 

I really lucked out and found free printables online. 

He really is the cutest little fella, ever! 

May he forever be a Mommys boy! 

What would a birthday party be without nerf guns? 

In Kentucky, we obviously ride hay wagons like roller coasters.

A sweet lady came out to let us borrow her projector to watch the great movie on the barn side. The kids loved relaxing as the party ended while watching the show. 

Thank you to all of our family and friends who helped in so many ways to make this party the best. It was SO much du relaxing on the hayride and watching th e movie on the barn. This my friends, is where memories are made. I couldn't have asked for it to be anymore perfect, and I believe Bryar agreed.

This photo was taken at nearly ten o'clock the next morning. 

My Spirits Aren't Crushed.

"We have to pray with our eyes towards God, rather than on the difficulties."

This is truly the hardest task for me. I sometimes call myself pessimistic Paige. I fret, I get angry, I cry, I hide it inside, but for some reason the older I get the more I'm letting my emotions out. Which is so confusing, because that is not the woman that I am. 

But reality is hard. It's a difficult process to accept things. Just this week, I (jokingly.. Kind of) asked my Mother if I could move back home. To say that my heart hurts is an understatement. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting in my bathroom, hiding from my children at this moment with tears rolling down my cheeks. It would be a fib, if I said that I didn't break down crying yesterday because Charli Beth's last two ball games were cancelled. I would be comiting yet another sin, if I said that every happy moment I am in, isn't followed by a horrific face just sad of the possibilities. 

You see, it's literally pulling emotions through me of the "what ifs." I'm on a emotional roller coaster, and my worst fear is upon me.

It's not something that any of us ever think that we may have to face. Then the "bad c word" arrives and it strikes another light, and brings to life the pain that so many have. 

It may not be the process I ever invisioned, and the reality of how weak I am is slapping me in the face Mike Tyson style. But somewhere deep in these emotions, I will find hope. I will find the point where I no longer look around and worry. 

It's confusing to be in a stage of grief when there is so much life around me.

 I find peace in scriptures that come to mind of how the Lord is with the broken-hearted. My spirits are not crushed, but they are hurting. My Lord is hearing my cries, and seeing my heartache. For this, I know he will provide. In some way, some form, or fashion. His will always shines through. But that doesn't mean it takes my hurt as a daughter away. 

At some point, I will figure out what hope means. I will not be annoyed by the person saying, "God always has a reason." (I mean really shut up with that.) I will not start crying while watching my kids or when Tombstone comes on the tv. I will learn that time is precious, and for that very reason I shall be happy within the moment.

But for now, I'm sad. I just don't understand, and have more emotions than Drop Dead Fred. 

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I may not update between now and Monday. So, please be in prayer for my Dad as he begins his new chemo journey on Monday at 9 a.m. May he be as strong and positive as he always is, and my Mother as well.