Friday, October 2, 2015

My Spirits Aren't Crushed.

"We have to pray with our eyes towards God, rather than on the difficulties."

This is truly the hardest task for me. I sometimes call myself pessimistic Paige. I fret, I get angry, I cry, I hide it inside, but for some reason the older I get the more I'm letting my emotions out. Which is so confusing, because that is not the woman that I am. 

But reality is hard. It's a difficult process to accept things. Just this week, I (jokingly.. Kind of) asked my Mother if I could move back home. To say that my heart hurts is an understatement. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting in my bathroom, hiding from my children at this moment with tears rolling down my cheeks. It would be a fib, if I said that I didn't break down crying yesterday because Charli Beth's last two ball games were cancelled. I would be comiting yet another sin, if I said that every happy moment I am in, isn't followed by a horrific face just sad of the possibilities. 

You see, it's literally pulling emotions through me of the "what ifs." I'm on a emotional roller coaster, and my worst fear is upon me.

It's not something that any of us ever think that we may have to face. Then the "bad c word" arrives and it strikes another light, and brings to life the pain that so many have. 

It may not be the process I ever invisioned, and the reality of how weak I am is slapping me in the face Mike Tyson style. But somewhere deep in these emotions, I will find hope. I will find the point where I no longer look around and worry. 

It's confusing to be in a stage of grief when there is so much life around me.

 I find peace in scriptures that come to mind of how the Lord is with the broken-hearted. My spirits are not crushed, but they are hurting. My Lord is hearing my cries, and seeing my heartache. For this, I know he will provide. In some way, some form, or fashion. His will always shines through. But that doesn't mean it takes my hurt as a daughter away. 

At some point, I will figure out what hope means. I will not be annoyed by the person saying, "God always has a reason." (I mean really shut up with that.) I will not start crying while watching my kids or when Tombstone comes on the tv. I will learn that time is precious, and for that very reason I shall be happy within the moment.

But for now, I'm sad. I just don't understand, and have more emotions than Drop Dead Fred. 


I may not update between now and Monday. So, please be in prayer for my Dad as he begins his new chemo journey on Monday at 9 a.m. May he be as strong and positive as he always is, and my Mother as well. 

1 comment:

MommyMandy Musings said...

You have been in my thoughts and prayers all weekend. Hugs to all of you

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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