This is truly the hardest task for me. I sometimes call myself pessimistic Paige. I fret, I get angry, I cry, I hide it inside, but for some reason the older I get the more I'm letting my emotions out. Which is so confusing, because that is not the woman that I am.
But reality is hard. It's a difficult process to accept things. Just this week, I (jokingly.. Kind of) asked my Mother if I could move back home. To say that my heart hurts is an understatement. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting in my bathroom, hiding from my children at this moment with tears rolling down my cheeks. It would be a fib, if I said that I didn't break down crying yesterday because Charli Beth's last two ball games were cancelled. I would be comiting yet another sin, if I said that every happy moment I am in, isn't followed by a horrific face just sad of the possibilities.
You see, it's literally pulling emotions through me of the "what ifs." I'm on a emotional roller coaster, and my worst fear is upon me.
It's not something that any of us ever think that we may have to face. Then the "bad c word" arrives and it strikes another light, and brings to life the pain that so many have.
It may not be the process I ever invisioned, and the reality of how weak I am is slapping me in the face Mike Tyson style. But somewhere deep in these emotions, I will find hope. I will find the point where I no longer look around and worry.
It's confusing to be in a stage of grief when there is so much life around me.
I find peace in scriptures that come to mind of how the Lord is with the broken-hearted. My spirits are not crushed, but they are hurting. My Lord is hearing my cries, and seeing my heartache. For this, I know he will provide. In some way, some form, or fashion. His will always shines through. But that doesn't mean it takes my hurt as a daughter away.
At some point, I will figure out what hope means. I will not be annoyed by the person saying, "God always has a reason." (I mean really shut up with that.) I will not start crying while watching my kids or when Tombstone comes on the tv. I will learn that time is precious, and for that very reason I shall be happy within the moment.
But for now, I'm sad. I just don't understand, and have more emotions than Drop Dead Fred.
I may not update between now and Monday. So, please be in prayer for my Dad as he begins his new chemo journey on Monday at 9 a.m. May he be as strong and positive as he always is, and my Mother as well.