His battle, is our battle. Forever supporting my Dad.

This small church has held my family for many years. We've gathered together for holidays, Sunday worships, weddings and youth gatherings. I've sat on the pews, and prayed at the altar. I've cried and also sat in peace while listening to sermons that spoke to the core of my heart. 

It never fails that when I go "home" I feel at peace. My heart feels content, and I'm just truly happy to see old loved ones that I rarely see in the season of life that I am in. Yet, this very new season of life kept my heart from feeling content while I visited yesterday. My heart ached, my tears ran over board as I held my Mothers hand. All while my heart just literally wanted to fall to floor while screaming. 

This wasn't the first time I had heard these painful words that my Dad gave in a testimony to his church. Although, they still felt the same. The tears still felt new, and the hurt in my heart had never left. 

On Thursday, my parents called my sister and our spouses over to give information they had received from the oncologist. My heart was unsettled because of the thoughts or "what ifs" that were plowing through my mind. I never once dreamed we would hear the words that came from my very humble, tough to the core Dad's mouth.

So I listened as he told us the news, and explained the unknown. 

His last chemotherapy treatment was thirty days ago, where his doctor advised him he "is as cancer free as anyone. But now his cancer had spread across his liver to both lungs. His oncologist advised him that at this point, if he were to do no treatments he would have a time frame of nine months to a year. 

That's just baffling news to me. How can a man that looks this amazing, has this type of positive attitude and seems to feel as well as he does be on that kind of time frame? It makes me angry, sad and just plain heartbroken. So I just sat starring in awe, trying to figure out how this is even possible. At this point, I'm pretty certain that look has yet to leave my face. 

His oncologist told him that the only option at this point is visit the Sara Cannon Cancer Center in Nashville. They will have the ability to give clinical treatments that are working for so many others. Even though this option isn't one that I ever imagined would even be a possibility, I am thankful for a hopeful place.

As I sit, over think and type my feelings out into this mediocre blog it just seems so unreal. I've woke in the mornings crying, had nightmares and just sat looking into the sky wondering how, why and just trying to understand.

I know that the "bad C word" is full of heartbreaks and even glories. So, I just continue to pray for the glorious day that this is no longer a monster standing in front of such an amazing man. But it has yet to take away the pain that I know my dear Mom is facing, or the days that shall come as I'm holding my daughter explaining words that I never want to even imagine. My sisters heart is so big, and holds emotions so well, but it breaks me to even know that she too is feeling this heartache. A Mother should never have to hear her son, give news as this. The cries that came from her heart, were some that I never want to hear again. The hugs between two grown men that have been best friends since they were children, would have killed anyone's heart that was standing near. Sisters that look up to their only brother for guidance and friend, I just pray that they stay as wise and prayerful as he always is. 

My Mom has been a strong, courageous, loving wife through the past year. As I know they were both looking forward to relaxing after surgery, and being done with the "bad C word" I also know she will continue to be just as amazing as she has been. Once again, it doesn't take away the pain that I cannot even imagine that she is facing. My heart just wants to make this disappear, take 12 years off of my life and still be a child running into the living room tackling him across the livingroom couch. I never wish this grief on anyone, yet this is just the beginning.

I've tried for days to even fathom the possible thoughts that I am just MAD at God. I mean how could my glorious Savior let this happen to my precious Dad. I want to be mad. I want to scream in a prayer and just ask why! But I can't. I sat outside with my children last night looking into the eclipse thinking just be mad at God. He has made something so marvelous like this eclipse and radiant moon, but my Dad is being given a time frame. But I couldn't. Something pulled my heart, and reminded me that with things as marvelous as what I was viewing, just think how prestigious Heaven will be. Some doctors may give time frames, but there is only one who knows when we will be called to the pearl gates of Heaven. 

Does this make my heart feel less broken? 

No. I just cannot physically wrap my mind around the unknown, and the thoughts of how sick he is. As a Mother, I cannot even type the words of how sad it made me to hear him speak of how he longs to see his grandchildren grow into adults. He has literally been an important figure to his Granddaughther since the moment Charli Beth entered in this world, as he sat by my side after rushing in to be there for me. I literally feel like someone is ripping me apart when I think about the grief, that my children will have. 

In saying that, Charli Beth does not know. This is out of respect for my Dad as his request and for her too. She knows that he is sick, but time frames are something that you never want to give children. Even hearing "the bad C word" hurts little innocent hearts. I never want to take her time with Pa and make it into a clock. So I ask that you be easy with words, and cautious as what you say in front of little ears. 

The friends that I have spoke to have asked what they can do for our family. At this time, just please pray. Pray for my Dad as he prepares to fight a new battle and my Mother as she fights alongside as a spouse. My heart may be exteremly sad, but to see my parents love for one another will forever be a blessing.

May I be strong as a daughter where I am continually feeling weak. May I never loose faith and always remember that there is a Savior prepared to hold our hands through long journies of sorrow.