So I sat there thinking for a while over analyzing the impact that I have now forced onto Charli Beth. Even if it is a selfish of me, I will be the first to admit that I have never truly put this into perspective like I should have been doing all along. I do make comments to my daughter about my body, my hair and most of all myself in general. Even when she says sweet sincere things like, "Mommy I hope to be as pretty as you one day." I just shake my head telling her "No Char you do not want to be like Mommy."
What kind of example have I been setting as not only her Mother, but her friend and of course her role model? We as parents, friends or family members are setting the future for our children. They are sponges, sponges of lots of fails and positives that we have put out there for them to soak up. Even if we are a little down on our selves should we continue to pass out the judgemental flaws or should we lift them up with positives and respectful manners? It is our decision to pick how we want our children to feel about us and themselves.
This is a photo of me just as I was going to bed, still thinking about the impacts. I have no make up on, and yes I typically wear my hair as a mess. I possibly have the most low self esteem of anyone I know. I can point out flaws to you in a matter of seconds in which most people would be asking what or where these flaws were (Ex: My hair, my teeth, my scar, my attitude, my fashion) My husband questions why I feel this way about myself daily, and wonders how I ever got to this point. Honestly, so do I. Is it a girl thing? Or a young Mommy of two thing? I am not sure. But I do know that we must love and respect our selves because if we do not, who will including our little ones.
Do I want Charli or Bryar either one growing up to think that I am "not good" enough? No. I want them to think of me as flawless, just as I think of my own Mother. Or do I want my husband to think less of me just because I am Pessimistic Paige 24/7? Of Course not.
So it is up to ME and me alone to fix this problem. What can I do to eliminate this "issue" of Mommy fails that I am having right smack in front of my daughter? For one, keep my mouth shut and two work on the issues that I believe I have by talking to other Moms. I have figured out in the last week, that just talking to someone (Which just so happens to always be my Husband) and getting my feelings out there is so much better then keeping them in to where they make me sink further into an uncomfortable hole of pointless self consciousness.
Next, PRAY. This is huge. God made us beautiful women for a reason. He made each of us unique in our own way, so we could show our ups, downs and all arounds if you must. I pray daily to be a better Wife and Mother, for the Lord to show me the way in his word in becoming what HE created me to be. Because like stated above we are such important role models for so many different people in our lives. Little people who do not need anymore negative energy than they are already given in this crazy world.
Lastly, be thankful. Each of us as Mother's have our own baby battle wounds, from stretch marks to deflated boobies (Don't act like you have no idea what I'm talking about. Nursing can take a toll on your ladies!) I have a scar from a surgery that I had as an infant that goes from my breast bone to my belly button, it is terribly ugly and big. But in all honesty, if I wouldn't have had that surgery would I be here today? I have scars on my legs and beside my right eye from a awful car accident that I was involved in after graduating high school. I am thankful, since these scars are the only marks I was left to deal with for the rest of my life.
My belly may not be flat now after two babies and my hair may not be perfect but my heart is full and my cup runneth over. As we all know this is what matters the most, and for that very reason I will pick joy. Joy in bringing my self up and never bringing my daughter down with my thoughtless statements of my own self image.
Your body is a testimony to the world of God’s design. Carry the extra weight joyfully until you can lose it joyfully. Carry the scars joyfully as you carry the fruit of them. Do not resent the damages that your children left on your body. Just like a guitar mellows and sounds better with age and scratches, so your body can more fully praise God having been used for His purposes.