But you know what is even more gut wrenching?
The fact that it's Easter morning and I've not even picked up my bible since Thursday church service. I've not had quiet time to worship and read. I've only prayed and probably even fell asleep while doing so. This holiday brings so much emotions into my heart as I am just now realizing how much the Lord gave up for us. How much he loves us, while we may not even know him. It's an amazing love.
Before church started on Thursday Bryar was being a ninja in the aisles. Which really is very ordinary to us lately but I wanted to crawl under the pew and hide. I just knew someone was thinking "Look at that rowdy little Bryar. Why isn't his Mother doing something?" So I overly apologized to the ones surrounding me.
Then a lady replied,
"Don't be! Isn't it such a blessing that he is able to be himself, express himself and be happy?"
Bam. Face palm.
Of course it is. But my kid is suppose to be a perfect angel, right? Wrong. I mean sure his smile makes me smile, and sometimes I even tear up listening to his laugh. Although, I really had never thought about it this way. So I started off by telling her how correct she was and that Bryar just recently started being verbal. Yet, the ninja stage is wearing me out. The constant round house kicks, or "pow pow" are just about the last piece of straw that's holding my sanity together. Yet, she is right. We are blessed to have such capable children that have grown leaps.
Church started and I continued to reflect. I thought to myself how amazing is it that God gives us these precious children of His to love and care for. He trusts us, He gives us grace, and He died for us.
His love surrounds me. I pray that I shine is light, and his love in my family. That my mistakes won't always feel like failures. To love like he loves us. To forgive, like we have been forgiven.
I know my Lord has a plan waiting for me. But while I wait for this door to open, I will worship in the storm of parenting, marriage and life.
... And I will try my best to not cringe everytime my three year old gets a little cr cr crazyyyy.