Braving The Darkness

PTSD and depression among veterans has been made clear by the millions. Although, I feel we are taking baby steps in the right direction, I am thankful steps are being made. We are starting to finally see the need for soldiers that are coming home wounded on the inside. Their hearts are shattered at the brothers they have lost, and sometimes they really just have no idea how to grasp reality once they are back on American soil. While my heart aches tremendously for them, my eyes have also been drawn into the Thin Blue Line recently.

Every 17 hours a member of the ever so famous Law Enforcement, Thin Blue Line family takes his or her own life. 

That is a gut wrenching statistic and one that I feel also needs to be made aware of.

In 2012, there were 126 police officers that ended their own lives. While I have been in the presence of a suicidal person, this statistic breaks my heart. The amount of hurt, unknown, and loss of feeling that individuals out there are feeling breaks my heart. We are living in a world of hate towards professions that serve us so much. We preach bullying to our children everyday. I constantly hear it within the Elementary schools, and I hear it among the TV shows that I watch with my two children. But what more are we doing than belittling men and women who least deserve it.

When we are at our most vulnerable states these men and women are there for us, who is there for them when it's over?

It's completely hard to recognize that even though millions see officers as heroes, there is an extraordinary amount of hate for them as well. They are consistently being called names, fought with, hated by the media, and told what an awful job they are doing. Can you imagine giving someone everything with nothing in return?


These are men that hold babies on the side of the road, because Mom was just killed in a car accident. Women doing CPR until other first responders arrive on the scene. Others going into a house that's not only filled with insects, lice and dirty dishes over flowing the counters but meth being made as well, all while nothing can be done to the heart of the little boy that just watched Daddy beat Mommy up once again.

It's a scary terrifying world that we live in that you and I only know only a small portion of, but they encounter every day.

As I was reading one of the many Law Enforcement facebook pages recently, I came upon a graphic with two names.  They also shared a last name, and presented different end of watch dates. I was really puzzled by this as I didn't recognize the names of the two listed to be in the line of duty deaths. So of course, curiosity got the best of me and I began to read. 

Then my heart broke.

On December 15, 2015 Michael Birdell an officer from Birmingham, Alabama took his own life. His wide Angie had written in to a page asking to share how she was pleading for everyone to look after officers, as well as signs of depression. She was broken that her husband had ended his life, and was wishing that there was more that she could do. Her pleads were heartfelt and you could tell that she wanted someone, anyone to hear her words. 

A little over a month later, on January 19, 2016 Angie Birdell, a detective ended her life. Each time I think of this situation, tears stroll down my cheeks. Even now I can feel my heart inching its way into my throat as I cannot imagine the loss of hope, and loneliness she was feeling. I cannot help but to be also be angry with how she lost the love of her life, a joyful person and took the same measures. 

I wanted to read more about these two and their lives, so I began reading comments. I wanted to see the hope, love and friendship that others had felt for the couple. But the longer I scrolled the more I read in comments from women stating that their Husbands had also killed themselves. It was truly heart aching and the only joy I could find within this post, was the lifting of sprits and blessings each person poured into the next. This is way that the Thin Blue Line typically works, or does it?

I cannot help but to wonder if we are doing enough for one another? Are we not being the wives our Husbands need? Should we be checking in with friends more than we are at this moment? Of course, we should be. We can always do more. 

I know first hand that I have laid next to a man that is beaten, tired and just full of emotions after a days work. He's witnessed death in more ways than I can imagine. The fights he's indulged for the safety of himself and others, has really been a test of just how much he loves his occupation as an officer of peace. But as a wife, I have failed him on more than one occasion. I have failed our friends more times than I can count, with the lack of friendship that I have given.

I may only be the wife of an officer, but there is so much more that I can do. There is so much more that you can do as well.

Just as we have started to notice the suicide trends among millions of others, we must also be a witness to those serving our streets. Depression can hurt everyone, and no matter the size of the hero, the battles within could be much larger. Give someone your time. It really is that easy to be a light in someone's life. Be the friend or even the family member that you should be. Demons can over take someone's mind quicker than we can all imagine. I wish that someone or something could have made a difference in the 126 officer's lives back in 2012. Or in the three I've just recently heard of.

Today I'm pleading to be the light to someone. Make a mends. Love a friend. Listen to their story, their heart because all it takes is a little love to help push the darkness away. 

L

The Bluegrass Turns White

Jonas turned the very famous Bluegrass State into a sheet of white over the weekend. The bourbon making state put everything on hold and we hunkered, {as our meterologist in the area love to say} for days as historic snow fall surrounded on Friday. Typically, when you hear the word historic you gasp in fright. But thankfully, all was well and thank the electric company Gods that we didn't loose power. Our historic snow dropped a foot of snow over south central Kentucky in less than 24 hours. Some people complained, some cried about how they couldn't get out, others rejoiced in the fact that they were snowed in and loving it. 

I was one of those people. 

The snow makes me giddy. As previously stated, I'm a lover of all things chaos. Chaotic weather sends me into this andrenaline mode, that reminds me on numerous occasions that I should've been a storm chaser. Not that you necessarily chase snow storms, but you catch my drift. Even though I would love to go out and see the beauty of this winter wonderland. I happily have stayed within the coziness of my home for the past five days. 

We've had a lot of playing going on and at some points there was even minor sibling scuffles. But it's all been quickly resolved and ended with lessons to be learned. I swear in my down time from being a storm chaser, I could totally love life as a stay at home Mom. Even through the mess of the toys, I've kept it pretty well together. Yoga pants and baggy shirts have been my calming source for the week. It's going to be more than hard to leave them behind once school is back in session later this week. But what's going to be even more hard is being away from these two and the memories we have made together.

When will we ever be able to find snow drifts in Kentucky that cover their little legs. To tell you how high the drifts are, I am 5'4 and some could reach my thighs. Simply amazing that we will probably never experience this again. 

These pictures were taken late Friday afternoon after listening to the kids beg to play for a few minutes. The wind was blowing the snow so hard during the day, that we walked out only to check measurements, grab enough for snow cream and be surprised by Curtis making it home right at shift change. The amount of ice layered underneath the snow has us guessing that he would be gone through the night. So from a wife needing reinforcements to keep my sanity, thank you to whoever made that call. 

Once the winds and snow fall came to a halt on Saturday morning we finally ventured off to play. I had set my mind to making an igloo because it seemed to be the going thing around the south. Let's just say that a woman and her nine year old daughter will never ever be contractors. 

After four hours and lots of sweat, we made the worlds tiniest igloo/tunnel. Although, we only used our hands, feet and toddler tykes rake we caught our selves laying in the snow laughing until we couldn't breathe. 

And that my friends is what a great snow day is all about. That is until you tell the overly dramatic four year old that it's naptime. Because hell hath no fiery like a kid who "isn't tired." 

I won...

So we celebrated with a pot of chili and double layer chocolate cake for dinner. Speaking of good food. I'm fairly certain that I will need a massive detox from the weight gain over this snow break. Why is it that we feel the need to as women to bake nonstop by stuck indoors. I literally just can't help myself. Not to mention, I've cooked more this week than I have the past few months. Which has also opened my eyes tremendously. 

Isn't it funny how we take so much for granted while we are stuck in the business of our ordinary lives? You may hate that snow but how can you not just love the slow down it brings. I can stay within these winter days forever. But then again, if I have a kid ask me for a horse or another animal one more time, we may not make it to spring. 

So for now, they'll just have to enjoy their snow horse and their stick horse rodeos. 

Because I'm really not so sure that the snow leaving, or another animal joining our family will happen anytime soon.

Preparing for Jonas

While you're asleep several officers are taking their belongings to a localized building to rest for the night. While we are on comfy beds, they're sleeping on cots and blow up mattresses. While we are warm in our homes, linemen are working endlessly to make sure we stay in comfort. 

To say that I was overly ecstatic when my Husband text to let me know of this plan, wouldn't be a complete an utter lie. At this point in my journey through being a police wife, I slightly just had that "okay whatever" attitude. Another night/day at home a lone, I got this. 

So I took off to the store to prepare for Winter Storm Jonas. Because let's face it Kentucky folks, just don't really do snow all that well. A few inches will shut us down, but call for a quarter inch of ice, then a foot of snow. We may close down until things thaw out in the spring. While standing in the store, telling one kid to stop acting like she's riding a horse. Then reminding the other to be grateful for the toys that he already has at home, and by goodness stop asking for more. I realized that this doesn't happen to often. Even if it may be a huge slumber party of grown men acting like teenagers, so be it. If this stay over night will keep one of these deputies from getting injured, I'm okay with it. 

Another night of sleeping with either this furry fella,

Or a four year old who pushes his feet back and forth on my legs to fall asleep, is something I can deal with. 

It's just simply amazing to me how selfless people can be when it comes to the safety of others. My main question to Curtis during dinner tonight was, "how will you get back home?" His response wasn't an indication of how he will, only how he would be needed with the forecasted weather coming in. Even though it is a true fact, I must say that being a police officer wife makes me incredibly proud. He is indeed correct that no matter the conditions, or lack of four wheel drive in our county police cruisers, someone will need assistance in the morning. 

While I listen to the freezing rain fall, and pray that the electricity stays on I cannot help but to rejoice in the fact that humanity still exists. It may not come in the form of some random good deed, but rather many individuals giving their time all across this nation tonight. Whether this time be served on duty with a police force, a linemen, fireman, dispatcher, tow truck driver or medical personnel, they all chose to be within a profession that gives. As I sit within my coziness, and hope that blogging brings the sleepiness to my brain that is needed, I cannot help but to feel so very grateful and proud to be the wife of someone who gives so much more than we ever notice. 

Today as Jonas arrives, and we calculate the totals of snowfall around the south be sure to thank someone. Don't let someone's work go unnoticed. For we couldn't ever be the selfish American citizens without their hard work and time.

Be safe, and please stay off the roads so our Husbands make it back home to us as quickly as can be :) 

First Snow Day of 2016

Snow is literally one of the most magical things on Earth. The way the flakes fall, its impact, the smiles, and typically the napping. We may not be lovers of the cold weather around our home, but the snow makes us all giddy. I'm a lover for all things chaotic, and what better what to bring chaos than a midweek snow fall in Kentucky. 

Kentucky snow is few and far between. Our mediocre four inches, can close school off for days (Day two of snow day fun is already scheduled for tomorrow.) We can also shut down a town with no problem. Everyone grabs their sleds, tubes, four wheelers or whatever they can to make the most of a winter wonderland. 

While I am completely jealous that my Dad is not in town so we can go for a joy ride. I had another day full of memories with Charli Beth and Bryar. We tried for Dad to stay home with us, but duty calls and he was gone first thing this morning. 

Even though I was up all through the night checking Windows, like I would as a child waiting for Santa, my kids spared no rest. They were up around 7:30 asking to go play. But I'm a bum, and said not until after breakfast. 

Breakfast wasn't prepped until 9. 

After an hour of gathering snow clothes, then another thirty minutes trying to rig clothes on the kids we made it outside. 

Sweet Charli girl is always so kind to Bryar by wanting to pull him on the sled. Even though he resisted at first, she eventually had her fair share of tugging. 

Bryar was obviously more focused on eating snowballs or throwing them in Charli's face. 

What kind of brother would he be if he wasn't constantly picking on her? 

Even though he is adorable, he can most certainly be a handful while playing in the cold snow. Thankfully for the most part, he was quiet the trooper while rolling down hills, making snow angels and just simply making memories with his sis. 

As I sit here tonight, in my marvelous home of silence I look around and notice how dirty it appears. The toys are out of control, and there is one too many glasses on the end table. But today was fun. It's what being a parent is about. It was tiresome, but one of most favorite reasons to be a Mom. 

Days like today are more about the laughs, coyote tracking, and falling over exhausted in the snow. It's less about the dust and clothes to be put away. Even if naptime was a complete failure, and ended with a remembrance of our crying it out days, we had fun. 

The older I become the more I realize how amazing these days are. The rare snow filled, excitement of children occasions that I am only blessed to enjoy for so long. Even if I vowed to not get out in the snow again tomorrow, I'm fairly certain I will put my big Mama clothes on and do it again.

I mean how could I not? 

Our Hopeful Miracle

Beginnings are scary no matter the circumstance that you are facing. We strive to overcome the fear or anxiety as we begin new chapters. The way that each person deals with fear is an extrodinary thing. During moments of worry or anxious feeling, my family typically has the power to laugh out the feelings. 

As we prepared to send off our Dad to Sara Cannon Research Insitute, my sister and I decided to invade their hotel room for a night of fun. In moments of worrisome, my happiness falls back into the moments that we've spent together laughing until we cry. Last night proved to be no different. Thanks to Headbandz we were all frustrated with our lame guesses and rolling into tears within minutes.

Since I'll never be Pamela Anderson or ever guess Kolbe Bryant on my own, I assume it's safe to say that I suck at this game. Heck, we all do but big Papa bear that watches so much history channel for the entire world. Then again, my sister has an IQ of an nuerosuregon so maybe we were all suffering from the giggles and just needed the laughs. 

This morning started off with a PET scan. Although the results haven't come in, we've now been inside Sara Cannon since 9 this morning waiting. Hurry up and wait, is the ultimate phrase used within medical fields. Then you look around with everyone you come in contact with, and pray for nothing but time.

Medical institutions as we are in, are such a sombering reminder of how grateful we should be for the life we given. The smiles that surrounds so many faces today of the frail, tired and loved is quiet astonishing. The staff is wholesome and even though families are quiet, you can see the love they continuously outpour. 

As I sat today I heard a man tell his son while out of breath that he "just isn't in shape any longer." While the son knew in his mind that it was much more than the growing age of his (seemingly) young Father, you could see the heartache he had as he patted him on the back. 

This isn't the place we choose to share memories with our families. But if this what it takes, I will be blessed with them. The moments in our lives are only as great as we make them. I can only hope that as the days grow long and weary that my parents continue to remember this. The love that they share is such a remarkable testimony as to what love is. We should all strive to be more like this in our daily relationships. Laughter, love and solid friendships are the easiest ways to get through difficult moments.

As of right now it's 2:49 p.m. and his first antibody clinical trial treatment is delayed {for now} because his blood pressure continues to stay low. I'm fairly certain that if I were still a low blowing, hard headed teenager then I could help this situation. 

It's now ten minutes later, and the green light has been given to start this treatment. The look of relief has calmed this room and he's ready to start! It's quiet exciting once again for him to be selected out of 120 individuals nationwide to start. As he stated earlier today, "This is better than the lottery to be selected." I agree, what a blessing. 

The next 90 minutes as the treatment begins to enter his body, life will hopefully start to change. Hope is being instilled and we will {try to} patiently wait as this process begins. Both of my parents are such troopers as they've been sitting all day. I can wholesomely state that I've never been more proud of them than these days we are living in. 

I pray that this test turns to be a testimony. If not for us, then someone. I want his heart to be satisfied with feeling of fulfillment with every process that he steps into. I can only ask that you pray for my parents during these long days. That their bordem continues to be filled with light. Sickness strays away and life just blessed them both with complete happiness. 

Here goes nothing... the start to our hopeful miracle. 

My Word for 2016.

New years resolutions have never been "my" thing. I am a girl that never likes to feel defeated and failure is something that makes me cringe like the sight of bubblegum underneath a table (yes, I despise bubblegum.) So I typically never make a new years resolution. Don't get me wrong I would absolutely love to become better at budgeting because there is no better phrase than I completely stink at it. I would also love to loose ten pounds before we may or may not try for a baby .. in God's time. I also would like to pay off certain amount of bills. But life happens, and a lot of time new years resolutions just don't work out. So, a  few years ago I started making a, "Word of the Year."

This Word of the Year, is something that helps me to remember how to live from day to day. I blog about it, I add it into my daily life, and I pray over this word throughout the year. This year I felt as if I needed a word to remind me of happiness. Trails and triumphs had laid heavy within my heart. I dealt with a lot of sadness for others and stories of heartache just laid differently than ever before on me. I believe with our own family heaviness, then so many other cruel things in the world I needed a word that remind me of what the Lord promises.

Joy.

The definition of joy is; a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

So throughout this year I am going to strive to remember the joyful moments. There may be moments where I wish to curl up to try cry it out for a while, but each day I shall remember the good.

This year, Charli Beth and I have started a Joy Jar. Each night after we finish our devotional, we will write a joy moment from the day. It can be anything from a smile, a moment of laughter, compliment, or test. These little slivers of papers will remind us at the end of the year a moment of everyday where joy was brought into our lives.

While I can take absolutely zero credit for our Joy Jar, I will say that I am very excited to do this project.

Fourth grade has been exceptionally tough this year. If I remember correctly, I had many {many} other parents warn me of the task of transition we were going to enquire this year. While I believe that Charli has done well, she has also struggled in being a student of an overly full class or following along in certain areas. Not only will my Joy Jar project brighten my day, I have hopes that it will also point out the moments of this year where Charli has punched fourth grade in throat, and overcame the battle of it all; good test scores. 

More than likely I have some crazy distorted feelings tonight due to a steroid shot I received this afternoon for a sinus infection but I feel a lot of anxiety over this year. I feel a little more than crazier than I ever have coming into a new beginning. We made an offer on a house that we both were excited for, although at this time they have decided to pull it back from the market. To say it lightly we are both ready for our new start but we are also learning many lessons of patience and even more so that God's timing is perfect in every way.  My Dad is beginning a new clinical trial at Sara Cannon Cancer Center in Nashville next week. The treatment is so new, that it doesn't even have a name or a list of side effects/symptoms. I mean what's there not to worry about, when the big guy doesn't even seem anything but hopeful himself? Sheesh.

But, from this point forward I hope to no longer cringe at these thoughts and rejoice within the moments that will be added to my ever so clever Joy Jar. Because let's face it Pessimistic Paige could totally use a reminder of what kind of joy there is in this crazy wonderful world, that we so are blessed to live in.

Second Kid Syndrome

There will neve be a more pure, sensible statement than simply, "Kids say the darnedest things..." Because let's face it, if even Bill Cosby (gasp...) said the quote, it's more than true. Kids can flat out make you laugh in a moment of discipline. Or in the moment of silence that would one could only die in the middle of, because their kid just yelled "boob" across a church of praying individuals. They'll never cease to amaze us or their ability to make us laugh, cry or even want to die in humiliation like stated above. 

We all know this cute face. His silly faces and heartbreaking dimples are pretty famous around the crowds. But if I want to be an honest parent, I'll admit to all that he suffers from a severe... Terrible case of second child syndrome. 

What is second child syndrome you ask? 

It's where the new boxing gloves of parenthood have already been thrown off. A cute second baby is born and pretty much they believe that everything is free game. Better yet they mischievously use their adorable features to defeat you in ever way possible. You may even spend nights crying because they will not sleep, or not washing their hands consistent as you did with the first. But that's okay, because I'm more than certain that their adorable-ness will defeat any germs that come their way. 

Then again, when bedtime arrives and you try with all of your might to be stern to get them to, "Go to sleep for pete's sake!" Because your moment of "Changry" is about to erupt like a volcano of hot freakin' steaming lava. (Changry; the moment when your children fail to go to bed and you've hit your kid limit for the day, so you become child angry.) 

They kill you by saying things like:

"But i love you with me."

"What are drugs?"

"Why can't I feel my brain? My brain!!! I want to touch it"

"Why isn't my brain inside my arm so I can squish it?"

"Are all people in the hospital on drugs? They're all bad guys, huh?"

"Sleeping isn't fun! Sleeping at night isn't for kids. "

"I'm feeling a little crazy, you may need to just get up." -- I agree kid. 

"But please don't leave, my arms need you."

"Can I just not wear clothes?"

"I think this bed makes me feel sick."

"Will Charli just lay wif (with) me since you not?" (Of course because little brother is "soft" and has skin like a puppy.. Uhm what?)

And your little Mommy heart just glows, giggles and lays back down with them. Because let's face it, tomorrow's another day and we can try to defeat their cute second kid syndrome selves later. For tonight, we shall just be cuddle bugs or hysterical crying sleepy Mommys. Whatever I shall pick, I can only hope that I do it with a grateful loving heart. At least until my point of "Changry" happens...