Friday, November 5, 2010

I am that girl

There are certain people in life, that have things handed to them "wrongly" or not so easy as one would say, not saying that this is me. But whenever we give someone our all, we are soon shut down, broken hearted and left to pick up the pieces of the aftermath. No matter what, you must put a smile on your face and go on.It's not because we do not love this person, but because this person must not love us enough, so we become strong. Sometimes it causes you to become cold, leery or even mad at everything in general. I have always been that girl.

But...I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be happy, and know that one day God's plan will be accomplished and my life will feel more of an success than as a failure. I want to love and be loved by someone that knows just how amazing I am, and knows that I am worth that effort. That will never give up on me, like people consistently seem to do. I am not a girl with an easy life style, I work, I struggle, I go to school, I take care of my girl, I fall apart and I pick myself back up again. I am simply a mess, but a beautiful mess at that. I can be your everything but I can also be your worst enemy all in like five seconds. That is just who I am. But if I love you, you will know it and that will never change. I want to stop having my heart broke, crying at work while I am by myself, and looking like a walking zombie at other times.

I have been left while pregnant before, felt abandoned, cried my tears, screamed, searched and moved on with my life. Even though I do not want to, I can move on again, but it doesn't feel like it is the right thing to do?

I suppose I forgot how it felt to feel lost, unknowing of what the future may hold, and who may be there to share it with me. I forgot how it feels to be "slapped in the face" with such harsh words for no reason at all. I forgot what it was like to have someone to not care about your feelings or your child's, when all you want to do is live the life that you were given together. I forgot what it felt like to give your heart to someone you care so much about, for them to simply turn their back on you and walk away.

How can you do that? Is it a girl thing to feel so lonely and so attached to something that does not even want to be there? Because so many people have been through this, and seriously I am not someone that "has to" have a man in my life, I have my daughter and that is what I need, I just despise having my heart broken. But who doesn't? I have no idea where I am going with writing this, it is just that I want to be happy and not feel so empty like I do right now. I forgot what it was like to be walked over like I was with D, because I was happy for so long, I felt whole once again, I knew my life was exactly where it wanted and needed to be.

There is nothing in the world that can make feelings like this better except, time and prayer; they heal all. I learned this by waiting for someone for so long, wasting my time wishing, praying and hoping that they would take my hand, remember who they really were and simply love me back. I'm not going to ask someone to love me, if you don't want to then so be it. You're missing out on two girls that are amazing, beautiful, silly and worth every bit of the struggle that goes along with a relationship. Her and I with or without someone else will accomplish many extraordinary things in our journey together, and this is exactly what this blog is all about. This is not a sob story,it is the happiest and even the saddest events that we may go through. This is what you get because "I am that girl" and most of you have been broken before as well so you can relate. Although, if I don't seem like myself for a while, just know that it is time for this girl to just find herself once again.

--The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do NOT just happen.--

P.S. all prayers are appreciated.


Brittany said...

I am praying for you. Keep your head up. You ARE beautiful, and you definitely ARE a wonderful mother. You work so hard to provide for your daughter and give her an amazing life. I respect you and think you are an amazing woman. We all go through struggles, and we've all had broken hearts. I can definitely relate. BUT, like you said... pick up the pieces, and move on because the one thing that matters... is that pretty little face you look at every day, and wonder how God could bless you with someone so wonderful when we are so undeserving. The feeling of being a momma is priceless. Stay strong:) Your MR. RIGHT is out there... I PROMISE. For someone as motivated, loving, and deserving as you... God definitely made someone just for YOU.

Becca said...

I am not going to write a super long response to this because I think you pretty much covered everything I could say in that last paragraph. You are a strong woman and you are beautiful and will without a doubt make it. The right man will come along and know just how special you and CB are! HUGS!!!!

Margie Brown said...

The best advice I can give you is to strengthen your relationship with GOD, and believe you are who HE says you are and grow in that and let that confidence in who you want to be show through.

Men are attracted to women who know what they want and are confident. If you are searching for someone while trying to find yourself it only complicates things. The right one is out there for you, I would just continue to be in prayer about it..unfortunately Gods timing is not our timing...I have temper tantrums with him about it on a regular basis but I know that he has my best interests at heart and have to keep telling myself that!

Keep your head held high! It looks like you have ALOT to be proud of! Have a great weekend!

FortheloveofLillie said...

I am walking the same path as you right now. I heard the best advice last night on our local christian radio station, "Man's rejection is GOD'S protection." I am praying for you and know how difficult this storm is but remember it to shall past and GOD DOESN'T GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE!

Erin said...

ok thanks for making me cry!!! ugh I feel your pain . . I have had my heart broken and broken someone elses heart and both suck big time but I have never had that happen while being a mom and I can't imagine. You are strong and you are amazing on so many different levels and I know you will find someone and that someone will love you with everything they have. I know you and CB will be fine and you will pick up all the pieces but do know that it is ok to be sad and cry and scream and it is ok to be hurt because life isnt just a fairy tale. It is these types of things that make us stronger and who we are and trust me you will move on and grow.

You know I love you and you know you are my bloggy BFF!! I am here for you always and forever girl!

Just hold CB a little bit tighter and don't forgot how amazing you are!!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Not sure what's going on, but keep your head up girl. You have an amazing little girl and she is surely a reflection of her amazing mother. I'll be thinking about you =)

Kristin said...

Hello my Beautiful Bestie!! oh how i wish i could be there and go get some retail therapy with you and some starbucks!!! keep your head up my love! Things will get better in time. I KNOW there is the perfect man out ther for you! I see a tall, dark, handsome, cowboy with a big ranch, cows, horses, chickens, and some baby goats!!! Prayin for you and your little cowgirl!! much Love adn Huggs!!

Vanessa said...

I am walking in your shoes right now. You are not alone.

Emily said...

thinking of you right now.. you have a beautiful, amazing little girl who is living proof of what an amazing woman and mother you are!! xoxo

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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