Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm done with how I feel.

This week I have finally pulled myself together, not that I have healed my heart by any means but each day has helped. We all know how the tune of a heart break flows, it is quiet the same as the grieving process.
(minus the depression)

Whenever your heart is first broken, you do not want to accept the fact that something like this has just happened. You are stunned beyond belief at what was said or maybe even what you saw. You then get ticked off, which is usually my favorite part, because I can always be pee'd off at any one. Although, I couldn't be this time. I was am just a sucker for him. Ugh.. Anyways, we then start bargaining; we want to make things right so we plead and cry to this person. But sadly the only thing we are doing is making a fool of ourselves, because they have made up their mind or it just isn't right. (I am skipping the depression factor, because depression is not in my vocabulary.) Finally, we come to terms with what has happened. We may not understand, but we probably never will. Finally, we realize as each day passes that we are okay and will eventually move on whenever the time is right.

--And I'm not hoping we can work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.

Spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,

Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.--
Sara Evans "A Little Bit Stronger"

Let me introduce you to...D.
He was my first love and my first of many heart breaks.
This is probably the first and last time that you will ever see him on my blog.
I must admit, this picture is a major false depiction of how he was/is.

Our story is long and something that does not need to be shared over this blog for the sake of my child right now, but all you need to know is drugs ruined this man and the family that I ever thought I could have with him. I may one day share our story, but for now I have put those memories in the back of my head and moved on with life.

I have zero feelings left for him. I am okay with the fact that he is no longer in our lives, and I have been for a very long time, although the impression on my heart is still there, and will always be. Which is mostly due to the fact that my child will ask who the boy is that is holding her in pictures when she was an infant does still bother me. Those are words that I cannot tell Charli Beth right now, because she is truly still to young to understand -not that she ever will, but that is another post for another day. But my heart doesn't hurt whenever I hear his name anymore, if I were to see him my heart would not feel like it is going to sink to my knees. Whenever someone brings up where he is or that he is probably in jail I don't care, I roll my eyes and laugh it off.

The point is, I got over him.
I healed for the most part and I let myself move on to love again.
If I can do it once, I can do it again and I will.
Like I have said before, it just takes time.

I read a quote last week and it really put many things back into perspective for me:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

The times that D walked out of my life, I sucked all of my emotions in and honestly became cold. I did not date, and I lead myself to believe that I could never be happy like I was with him. Years later whenever I was least expecting it, I found happiness with M. Something that I thought I would never find. Although, I was cold, and still made myself believe that happiness was not suppose to happen for me, so I separated myself in fear of getting hurt, I felt betrayed and lonely because I made my own self feel that way (not saying that he did not make his fair share of mistakes.) I was very wrong and hurt people in the process, but now while I'm reflecting back I have learned so many things that I now know to do differently next time - God willing.

I have went on dates in the last several weeks and will continue to, not because I am ready for a relationship, but because I will not let myself slide back into the hole of thinking I will never being happy again. Simply because I am better than the person I was acting like and I will make someone incredibly happy whenever the time is right; I will be happy again.

No matter what I thought or wanted, it was not our "time." Just like it was not the time for D and I. Each of these heart breaks were in my life for a reason. We taught one another so many things about life, and I would not be who I am in this very moment if were not for these two. (Not that I am want to thank D by any means! To be honest I'd just like to smack him. ha! & Yes, I am still bitter. But who wouldn't be?) I'm just saying that each of them left a mark (ha!) on my life.

During my relationships I have prayed for the Lord to show me the way and if it was the right time or where I needed to be at in my life - both times he has. I know that the Lord will continue to guide my life and heart, as long as I put my faith in him.

I ask for your prayers because I am actually not as strong as I once thought I was. Which is totally okay because like part of a quote states, "When I say "I am a Christian" I am not trying to be strong. I am professing that I am weak and need HIS strength to carry on."

p.s. I am probably the only person alive that will understand this post, which is totally okay with me because I am working 3rd shift and my eyes drifting off as I type.


Perfectly Imperfect said...

Though I don't "know" you personally, the person I'm getting to know through this outlet and Twitter is SUCH a strong person. You are a beyond amazing mother to that little girl and she'll know that you've always done your best by her. You'll find your happiness one day girl. And it will be so, so much better than anything you've experienced so far. Praying for you girl :)

Amber said...

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I want you to know that I think are such a strong person. You inspire me everyday. Though it may seem like it's taking forever, your day will come with that special someone who loves both you and CB for all the right reasons. You never know when it could happen. Hang in there girl and stay strong. CB is one lucky girl to have you for a momma and I think your doing an awesome job. Hugs your way!!! : )

Erin said...

I am so happy for you and you are soo strong. This post is amazing and I am sure it felt good to write everything down and get it off your chest. I am glad you are dating and I am glad you are going out with your girlfriends and having a fun time!

Continue to smile and be smart and strong :)

Love You Girl!

Kendra said...

You are such a strong person. You're daughter will look back when she is older and realize what you did, and how strong you were to make these decisions to benefit you and her.! Keep your head held high.

Elizabeth said...

My heart breaks for you and the pain that has come your way, and CB's way. I know that you are a strong woman, and you deserve happiness and love. There is someone out there for both of y'all. <3 Just keep that gorgeous head held high.

Brittany said...

You are amazing! Keep on keepin' on;)

P plus V Durben said...

Im somewhat of a new follower and I enjoy reading your blog. This last post was not only heartfelt but inspirational. Though its your life and your tough times the uplifting way you carry on and hold your head up high is very inspirational... It makes me think and view how I carry myself a little differently. Life can be so hard at times and sometimes we don't have a good shoulder to lean on but I've always like the saying your never given more then you can handle!

heather g said...

You are a strong and wonderful person u will find happiness and the one someday.until then continue doing your best for you and Charli Beth and enjoy life and dates here and there or whatever.Heartbreak is never fun been there plenty of times.I like your statement i will be happy again,i feel that way too even though i am in a relationship it isnt the best but i do believe you will be happy again and i will be too one day.u know how to get a hold of me if ever want to chat about anything.

Kelli said...

Although I don't know you personally, I can tell from your posts that you are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for! Continue to let God lead you and all will be fine! I will keep you in my prayers as well as Charli. She will need God's guiding hand to help her one day understand that difficulties that life brings. I love the quote and too live by it each and every day!

Kelli @

Anonymous said...

You are stronger than you will ever think!!! I'm sooo proud of you !!!!<3

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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