I'm done with how I feel.

This week I have finally pulled myself together, not that I have healed my heart by any means but each day has helped. We all know how the tune of a heart break flows, it is quiet the same as the grieving process.

(minus the depression)

Whenever your heart is first broken, you do not want to accept the fact that something like this has just happened. You are stunned beyond belief at what was said or maybe even what you saw. You then get ticked off, which is usually my favorite part, because I can always be pee'd off at any one. Although, I couldn't be this time. I was am just a sucker for him. Ugh.. Anyways, we then start bargaining; we want to make things right so we plead and cry to this person. But sadly the only thing we are doing is making a fool of ourselves, because they have made up their mind or it just isn't right. (I am skipping the depression factor, because depression is not in my vocabulary.) Finally, we come to terms with what has happened. We may not understand, but we probably never will. Finally, we realize as each day passes that we are okay and will eventually move on whenever the time is right.

--And I'm not hoping we can work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,
Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by, and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.--
Sara Evans "A Little Bit Stronger"

Let me introduce you to...D.
He was my first love and my first of many heart breaks.
This is probably the first and last time that you will ever see him on my blog.

I must admit, this picture is a major false depiction of how he was/is.

Our story is long and something that does not need to be shared over this blog for the sake of my child right now, but all you need to know is drugs ruined this man and the family that I ever thought I could have with him. I may one day share our story, but for now I have put those memories in the back of my head and moved on with life.

I have zero feelings left for him. I am okay with the fact that he is no longer in our lives, and I have been for a very long time, although the impression on my heart is still there, and will always be. Which is mostly due to the fact that my child will ask who the boy is that is holding her in pictures when she was an infant does still bother me. Those are words that I cannot tell Charli Beth right now, because she is truly still to young to understand -not that she ever will, but that is another post for another day. But my heart doesn't hurt whenever I hear his name anymore, if I were to see him my heart would not feel like it is going to sink to my knees. Whenever someone brings up where he is or that he is probably in jail I don't care, I roll my eyes and laugh it off.

The point is, I got over him.
I healed for the most part and I let myself move on to love again.
If I can do it once, I can do it again and I will.
Like I have said before, it just takes time.

I read a quote last week and it really put many things back into perspective for me:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

The times that D walked out of my life, I sucked all of my emotions in and honestly became cold. I did not date, and I lead myself to believe that I could never be happy like I was with him. Years later whenever I was least expecting it, I found happiness with M. Something that I thought I would never find. Although, I was cold, and still made myself believe that happiness was not suppose to happen for me, so I separated myself in fear of getting hurt, I felt betrayed and lonely because I made my own self feel that way (not saying that he did not make his fair share of mistakes.) I was very wrong and hurt people in the process, but now while I'm reflecting back I have learned so many things that I now know to do differently next time - God willing.

I have went on dates in the last several weeks and will continue to, not because I am ready for a relationship, but because I will not let myself slide back into the hole of thinking I will never being happy again. Simply because I am better than the person I was acting like and I will make someone incredibly happy whenever the time is right; I will be happy again.

No matter what I thought or wanted, it was not our "time." Just like it was not the time for D and I. Each of these heart breaks were in my life for a reason. We taught one another so many things about life, and I would not be who I am in this very moment if were not for these two. (Not that I am want to thank D by any means! To be honest I'd just like to smack him. ha! & Yes, I am still bitter. But who wouldn't be?) I'm just saying that each of them left a mark (ha!) on my life.

During my relationships I have prayed for the Lord to show me the way and if it was the right time or where I needed to be at in my life - both times he has. I know that the Lord will continue to guide my life and heart, as long as I put my faith in him.

I ask for your prayers because I am actually not as strong as I once thought I was. Which is totally okay because like part of a quote states, "When I say "I am a Christian" I am not trying to be strong. I am professing that I am weak and need HIS strength to carry on."

p.s. I am probably the only person alive that will understand this post, which is totally okay with me because I am working 3rd shift and my eyes drifting off as I type.