Saturday, June 19, 2010

Father's Day

I am having a really hard time this year with trying to "hide" Father's Day from Charli Beth. I know some of you are thinking "what the hello for?" Well to be honest, I cannot decide if it is something that I should be hiding. But she is at the "What" "Why" "What for?" stage and most of you know how this is.

Mark, Char and I went to Bowling Green tonight and bought my Dad (may I mention this is my step Dad) a Father's Day gift but I asked Mark to only call this "Pa Day" for her sake.

Seriously? Should I be doing this. Should I be hiding a day from her? I remember as a child pouting and whining to myself about why I didn't have my real Father around to share this holiday with. I am thankful now and have been for so many years that I do not know him because my sister Ashley and I are truly better off with the Dad that we have. We truly are blessed now. But am I really just hiding this holiday for my own sake? I really do not know how to handle this.

I just cannot stand to think about Charli questioning herself already at this young of an age of why she does not have anyone to call Daddy. I am broken over this, and am seriously sitting here crying, praying that no one walks in and 911 does not ring anytime soon.

Friends have already asked her where here Daddy is and she just looks at them. She knows that he isn't here, we know this. She asked my Mom about the boy that was in a picture with her when she was baby, and wanted to know his name. Why should she have to ask that? She shouldn't have to. I feel so horrible, not that I brought a child into this world to not have a Dad, but that I know the pain that she will experience throughout her child hood, wondering, dreaming and thinking of what it would be like to actually have a Dad. It wasn't my intention to actually have her without a Dad, it was a choice unlike for some people. I made this decision, I knew what was best. I could of stayed, but I didn't and thank God I did not. { Hallelujah! }

We hope and we pray for better days ahead. My better days ahead consist of a family and a man that I know is a blessing to Charli and I.

My heart may ache for Charli Beth now but I know that better days will be ahead of her. She will know in her heart that God gives and takes people in our lives to make us stronger in every.single.way possible! She will know that our lives are better off without someone to bring us down each chance that they get.

She will ask why and about him one day, but for now...this will be celebrated as Pa Day!


Dear C.B.

There are going to be things in life that you will not understand that will break your heart on more than one occasion. You will question why at times, and you will cry at others. But please never let these things make you cold in your heart and think badly of people because of someones mistakes.
I pray that I will teach you about the good in people and how to be forgiving of others something that I have never been good at. I pray that you will not always look at a man and think of him badly just because the one man that was suppose to be here in your life is not.
The Lord has already proven to us both that good Godly men that will be wonderful Daddies do exist and are already in our lives.

I pray that you will never look down on me for not trying a little more for him to be in your life. This is something that I pray for daily. I knew in my heart that we were not where we needed to be. I knew that not only was I better off, but mainly you were better off. I did not try because of this reason and so many people question my decision on this, although they do not matter...only you do. At times you will not understand why I made this decision, but I will ask you to just pray over it and one day we will have our talk, the talk that makes me sick to my stomach. Just please know that I do my best daily to see that you have the best in everything that I can give you. I've learned from the best; she taught me how to be a strong incredible Mother just as she was during the times that I wanted to know why.
I love you and you will always be my favorite girl in the whole wide world.


Gina said...

Maybe you could get CB a gift for Father's Day too...I found this blog with all of these books you might be interested in:

Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about and praying for you.

Erin said...

you are in a hard situation but just because her father isn't in her life doesn't mean that she isn't surrounded by people that absolutely adore her!

Maybe today isnt the right time to explain it but one day will be.

You are a strong mom and she has wonderful grandparents and friends and other family surrounding her!

Be strong!

Amber said...

This had me in tears! Warning next time please! Like the previous commenter said, it sounds like even though her biological daddy isn't in the picture that she has some awesome men in her life. I think celebrating Pa day is a great idea. I'm sure one day you'll be able to explain to her, but I think your doing the best you can right now. Your an awesome mom Paige and CB cannot be any luckier!

Laura Beth said...

this was a very touching post. it spins fathers day in a new way. i like the pa's day idea. very sweet. i think YOU should also get recognition on f day because you are momma and fatha! :)

she'll understand one day and be grateful.

Lizzy said...

You are doing a WONDERFUL job as being a single Mom. There are so many Mom's that would rather be single Mom's than have a dead beat Dad around their kids. One day, CB will thank you for choosing what was best for the both of you and bring you're wonderful BF into her life. Maybe he'll be her Daddy some day soon. Good luck with tomorrow! You could make it a day to celebrate her and God and tell her that he is her father until you can find a better one.

Ashley said...

Awwww. Sweet Paige, this was such an incredible, heartfelt post. You are such a wonderful, loving mommy and CB will always know this, above all else. I didn't know my bio dad either and my mom got remarried when I was still pretty young. My stepdad adopted me and he was the only dad I ever even wanted to know. I've never felt "unloved" or "unwanted" and although my stepdad passed away when I was 15, and my bio dad is still alive, I still feel as though my only dad passed away. Hope that makes sense. I never felt a void. Ever. And I knew, because my mom always told me from a very young age, that she made the decisions she did because she wanted to very best life for me. And because of that decision she made, I respect her more than anything. I know she was only thinking of me and my happiness and well being for my future.
CB will know you did the same. And what wonderful parents you have to be such a huge part of her life.
Happy Pa day to you all! Many hugs!

Lexie Loo, Lily, Liam & Dylan Too said...

This was such a heartfelt post. Big hugs to both of you. She's going to understand someday.

Unknown said...

Such a wonderful post! From what I see, you are doing a wonderful job as a single mom!! You've made choices that where you've had her best interest in mind. We do the best we can with what God gave us! I am certain that she will one day know a Daddy though!

Kim said...

Aw Paige this was a very sweet post & I'm sure it is very hard on you to have a child not know who her father is. I'm sorry that things went bad for you growing up as a child & then have Charli experience the same difficulties. I can see that you are a VERY STRONG woman & I will pray for the both of you to recieve that person that is missing in your lives. I know that you will have a family one day, just keep hanging on girl & do what you do best & be a bigger & better mommy!!! ♥

Meant to be a mom said...

Bless your heart. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to try to explain to her. I think your doing the right thing. All you want to do is protect her. And then when she's a little older you can talk with her more about it all.
She's lucky to have a mom that loves her so much. Your doing a great job!

Tammy Turpin said...

HI Paige! I wanted to thank you for the sweet words you wrote on one of my post about a year ago. At that time I had just started a blog and also just had a baby-so I had very little time to devote to the blog but I have decided to give it another try. Just wanted to stop in and say thanks. Tammy

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

What sweet and sincere words that will one day be physically hard to say. You will know when the time is right, but keep doing what your doing and raise that sweet girl the best you know how. You should be really proud of yourself, day by day!!!

Ashley said...

You are in a rough spot girl and I have not the answers for you! But I did want to stop by and tell you that your little girl is just darling!!! God bless and happy fathers day to you are doing both jobs in my eyes!

FoundProdigalDaughter said...

*HUGS* That would be a hard situation. Maybe you could make it a day to celebrate her Heavenly Father? I don't know....just a thought.

Story of Mommy

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I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar. This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out. I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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